I Just Don't Get It

I Just Don’t Get It

When I was half my current age I thought when I got to this point in life I would be this wizened, wise sage that younger people would seek out to learn the mysteries of life.  Now that I am here I find that I am neither sage nor wise – just wizened.  For every answer I have to life’s mysteries there are two or more for which I have no explanation.  Here are some of the things I just don’t get and have no comprehension about that perhaps some of my readers can help explain.

The Kardashians – Years ago there was an episode of Seinfeld in which George and Jerry are pitching a TV show concept to NBC executives.  One of executive says, “What is the show about?”  George answers, “It’s a show about nothing.”  It appears that their show finally got on the air; but I admit I just don’t get it.

Tattoos – For most of my life my Uncle Hal was the only person I knew with a tattoo.  It was on his forearm; a heart with the inscription “Mother”.   Uncle Hal never talked about his tattoo.  He got it while he was in the service during World War Two.  I never asked but I am pretty sure there was alcohol involved somewhere in the story.  In most cases this would have disqualified him from joining the family but Uncle Hal was from “up north” and allowances were made for those types of people.   Nowadays it seems most everyone has some type of tattoo; even people my age who should know better.  For the life of me I don’t understand this fascination with permanently decorating your body with mediocre art.

Jersey Shore – I watched exactly one episode of this show and became embarrassed for the good people of New Jersey.  If there is a clearer sign of the decline of Western Civilization I don’t what it might be.

Body Piercing – I may not comprehend tattooing, but I am totally mystified by body piercing.  Do people really think that a heavy metal stud in your tongue is a turn on? Do people really pierce themselves in places only seen by significant others and members of the medical profession?  I have trouble turning my head and coughing once a year and can’t fathom allowing a stranger with a needle down there.  I think a man with an earring is only appropriate if he has a parrot on his shoulder and says things like “Avast Maties” and ARRGGG”” all the time.

Rap Music – I have always had a great sense of pride that I had an appreciation for any kind of music even if I did not particularly like it.  When rap first came in to vogue I sampled it, sampled it again, and again, and finally gave up on it.  I don’t get the beat and the only decipherable lyrics are the ones that belong in a porno movie.  I’m just not “gangsta.”

Sushi – Are you aware of the fact that there is an entire generation of American youth dining on fish bait?  My children, and my daughter in particular, can wax eloquent over the epicurean delights of things like California Rolls.  I’ve tried to be hip and cool in the latest haute couture but its just raw fish to me.

Couples Baby Showers – Maybe this is a local trend but there seems be a movement afoot to begin including men in the parties given for pregnant women.  I find this astounding and yet another sign of male emasculation.  I’ve had to do this a couple of times and I’d rather eat broken glass than do it again.  Ladies, we love you but for God’s sake no more of this.  There is a not a man alive that wants to ooh and aah over a diaper tree.  None of us want to know how breast pumps function and can’t imagine giving someone something like that as a gift.  I was willing to be in the delivery room.  I was willing to share the feeding duties.  I even reluctantly changed dirty diapers.  However, please, please keep baby showers segregated and we promise to put the lid back down on the toilet.

This is just a sampling of my current bewilderment…

As Time Goes By.